I grow weary of the married life......

sacrificialgoddess wrote:

TigersEyeDowsing wrote:I have a 45-year old roomate. We refer to each other as 'stephusband' and 'stepwife' since she's sortof adopted the kid (my cat). We get along great and it's all the benefits of friendship (movie nights, sharing, talking, helping out when needed) with none of the drama of love or sex or fighting.

Oh, come now. "Friends with benefits" can be fun, too. Especially when sex is one of the benefits.

Oh, they can be! But, in this situation, no. lol. As long as my right hand still works I'm good.

[quote="SeventhCrow"]

gillyflower wrote:

I have to ask--if getting married would keep you from living your life as you see fit, why in hell would you ever get married? Do most people actually get involved in marriages where they can't live life as they see fit? I find that sad.

It's just a different thing than you have. I married a very successful man (although he was not that when we married) and it included having to move a great deal and entertain and go to things because it was required for his career. It meant that I went to a lot of things over the years for duty's sake. It also meant that it was difficult for me to continue in my profession. That's a compromise we had to make.

We did not have two televisions so all of us learned to compromise, including the children, and I think it was a good lesson for them. We ate dinner as a family at a table, despite the fact that one adult preferred to eat very early and one later. That was another compromise. Dinner consisted of what the person who made it cooked. If you didn't like that you could eat a peanut butter sandwich.

We did not sleep in separate rooms or have enough rooms that people could have their own, except occasionally, so we had to compromise about what colors and furniture we liked and what kinds of art went on the walls as well. Often we rented and couldn't change anything. We did not have separate bank accounts so budgets and large purchases had to be worked out together and compromises made about where we wanted to spend the money, when and what to save for later, and how much of an allowance each of us got. We had to compromise about who got to drive the hot car and who got the Momobile, too.

I quite willingly (for the most part) made the compromises I did while married and was happy, but now I don't make nearly so many compromises, ie. I have a pink and girly bedroom. (Yay!)

TigersEyeDowsing wrote:

sacrificialgoddess wrote:

TigersEyeDowsing wrote:I have a 45-year old roomate. We refer to each other as 'stephusband' and 'stepwife' since she's sortof adopted the kid (my cat). We get along great and it's all the benefits of friendship (movie nights, sharing, talking, helping out when needed) with none of the drama of love or sex or fighting.

Oh, come now. "Friends with benefits" can be fun, too. Especially when sex is one of the benefits.

Oh, they can be! But, in this situation, no. lol. As long as my right hand still works I'm good.

Sex toys are good too in case your right hand gets broken or tired.

I think all serious relationships take comprimising. Unless you have two people who are EXACTLY where and what they want to be and always will be the same way (very unlikely unless you're in a nursing home together) it's going to take bending on both parts. I find the issues come to play when one person bends like a rubber band and the other makes all the unfair demands, disrespecting their partner's wishes.

gillyflower wrote:

TigersEyeDowsing wrote:

sacrificialgoddess wrote:

TigersEyeDowsing wrote:I have a 45-year old roomate. We refer to each other as 'stephusband' and 'stepwife' since she's sortof adopted the kid (my cat). We get along great and it's all the benefits of friendship (movie nights, sharing, talking, helping out when needed) with none of the drama of love or sex or fighting.

Oh, come now. "Friends with benefits" can be fun, too. Especially when sex is one of the benefits.

Oh, they can be! But, in this situation, no. lol. As long as my right hand still works I'm good.

Sex toys are good too in case your right hand gets broken or tired.

True, true. Though I confess I never was big on plastic and rubber (other than making balloon animals!)

Well, I'm been there and got the t-shirt, too, about being the rubber band. I used to say that I compromised myself right out of existence, and it wasn't too far from the truth. I went to a councilor once and she said "Can you see how different your life would have been if you'd just learned to say NO?" but I was raised by a domineering father to be a people pleaser and I married a domineering man with no break in between. They both saw my place as being a mother and a support person for them/family and I was pretty good at it, just like my mother was.

When I got divorced I had no idea who I was or what I liked - I'd been mostly told all that - and it was wonderful and terribly painful to find out for myself what I liked and thought, try new things, learn to not be afraid of confrontation or of making mistakes, to stand on my own two feet and not expect a man on a white horse to rescue me. It was fantastic to watch my children blossom and follow their own paths too like they would never have done before - they say they learned that from me. It is never too late to make a change or become a better role model for your children.

(((Gilly))) That's so awesome! I'm really happy you found your peace. It's really hard being with someone totally unrelenting. I'm really glad I traded out for a cat.

allthegoodnamesweretaken wrote:Sounds like you've got a great room mate there!

I have a wonderful wife!

I don't see getting married as something that would keep me from living my life as I see fit, I see it as part of living my life as I see fit.

Exactly! My marriage in no fashion keeps me from living life as I see fit. My wife lives her life as she sees fit.We are together because we choose to be and share our lives because we choose to do so--there's no obligation to do otherwise.

Hey, what works for you, works for you. I go with a more inter twinned life, but what works for me works for me. It doesn't have the be the same, it just has to work.

That's what matters.

all

gillyflower wrote:
When I got divorced I had no idea who I was or what I liked - I'd been mostly told all that -

That's sad.

and it was wonderful and terribly painful to find out for myself what I liked and thought, try new things, learn to not be afraid of confrontation or of making mistakes, to stand on my own two feet and not expect a man on a white horse to rescue me. It was fantastic to watch my children blossom and follow their own paths too like they would never have done before - they say they learned that from me. It is never too late to make a change or become a better role model for your children.

I'm happy you've found yourself!

allthegoodnamesweretaken wrote:Hey, what works for you, works for you. I go with a more inter twinned life, but what works for me works for me.
all

Huh? How are our lives not intertwined? Your words appear to be English yet make no sense to me.

allthegoodnamesweretaken wrote:Hey, what works for you, works for you. I go with a more inter twinned life, but what works for me works for me. It doesn't have the be the same, it just has to work.

That's what matters.

all

I'm with All in the "It doesn't have to be the same, it just has to work." Everyone is so set on their relationship style being the only one for everybody. Live and let live.. I'm happy for anybody who finds something that works.

SeventhCrow wrote:

allthegoodnamesweretaken wrote:Hey, what works for you, works for you. I go with a more inter twinned life, but what works for me works for me.
all

Huh? How are our lives not intertwined? Your words appear to be English yet make no sense to me.

I'm used to that, happens all the time.

From my perspective, what you described seems much more separate than my experience.

It doesn't mean it's better or worse, just different.

all

Ah, OK.

SC, your separate bedrooms reminded me of an elderly couple I knew years ago who had separate rooms for some of the same reasons, mostly his preference for bedtime tv shows and hers for a good bodice-ripper book.

I recall his remarking something like, "Two bedrooms = Two different sporting arenas," with a sly wink and a grin.

Whatever works.

Separate bedrooms aren't unusual; current reports say about 25% of all couples sleep separately. There are several things involved with us:

1) She has cats and I'm allergic to them. I'll share the rest of the house with them, but I'm not sleeping with allergen production factories.

2) I am a very large animal and when I toss on the bed while sleeping, other people tend to get rudely awakened, at best, or tossed off the bed, at worst.

3) We also have different sleep schedules. She goes to bed before I do and would wake up with me coming to bed later.

Most people sleep so much better when they sleep alone. We find that to be true for us.

I'm actually shocked about that 25% number. I had no idea so many couples slept separately. Interesting though.

I wonder what proportion of that 25% is wealthy people who have his bedroom and bath and then hers or people who sleep separately for health reasons. Separate bedrooms among the well off used to be the norm for such partially as a status symbol.

Personally, I think the expectation that a couple, gay or straight, ought to share a bed is weird. As Seventh Crow said, people have different sleep styles and possibly health problems that might cause them to wake their partner. Separate bedrooms are often practical for those reasons as well as simply more comfortable.

I like sleeping with someone but I have a daughter who has sleep issues and she would really prefer to have separate beds, at the very least and separate rooms would be even better. I saw a report that said that by 2015 builders thought new MacMansions would have separate bedrooms in the master suite.

gillyflower wrote:I like sleeping with someone but I have a daughter who has sleep issues and she would really prefer to have separate beds, at the very least and separate rooms would be even better. I saw a report that said that by 2015 builders thought new MacMansions would have separate bedrooms in the master suite.

I guess it goes to show differences and different needs in a relationship. To me, the primary and ultimate physical benefit of a relationship is getting to sleep with someone - not sex, just being able to hold and be held by someone during the night. Not having that is to me like "No more sex," but worse.

About a year ago, my husband went on a camping trip with his dad for a week. I didn't sleep that whole week. Couldn't. Not when he wasn't beside me. I cleaned the house all night, every night. It was just weird, him not being there. I don't want to do that again.

It was hard learning to sleep alone again. My grandfather died a few years ago and my grandmother's been having to adjust to the same thing, so I really sympathize for her.

I did adjust to sleeping alone but I've had to readjust now that I have a dog cuddler. I have never had a dog like this, who wants to sleep under the covers snuggling as close as possible in a puppy pile