I grow weary of the single life...

I was married for almost 3 years, a while back, divorced over 2 years ago. I had one SHORT dating period that only lasted 2 months. Nothing before the marriage, nothing after that short dating experience a few months ago. I really don't understand why I have such a hard time with finding someone. I know how to treat women, I'm not a jerk, not controling, enjoying talking, going out to dinner, . . . I even would be fine helping out with household chores. I'm not a sports fanatic either. I'd be fine with most of what anyone would want to do, as it is the experience with the person that is the most important, getting that connection, learning new things about them, having quality time and communication.

However, nothing even on the horizon, in terms of a relationship. I'm not really searching for advice, I suppose. Just venting a bit. I'm a GOOD man . . . and just don't understand why I am stuck in this singleness. I would treat someone very nice. I'm not overly picky, . . . but don't want to settle either. And I hate being back out in the dating scene. SO many games there. Even tried several online dating sites and have nothing to show for it.

I've been with the same woman for the last 13 years, so I really don't have much dating advice.

The best I can do is say that you need to focus on the positive and not the negative. Woman seem to like a man who is content with themselves and confident.

all

Oh Deavon I am sorry, and from a girls point of view I kinda know how it is. Finding someone is very difficult. I am clueless as to what anyone wants.

I tried dating a few years back, did not work out well, and I am not a bar type person, since I do not drink. I don't know what to say either.
From what you write you do sound like a really nice, likeable person.

It is funny. They say you only have one chance to make a first impression, but first impressions are rarely accurate, I am silly and bubbly, reasonable intelligent, (I hope) once you get to know me.

But when I did go out on those first few dates, I did not show any of that, I try, but you can't be the right kind of friendly to a total stranger, not in that kind of setting.
I do better meeting people in the cat food isle at the supermarket.

OK, so how old are you and where do you live? While I'm happily married, I know some ladies of various ages.......

I am 40 and live in SW Missouri, Leah. :-)

MaineCaptain, . . . you are SO right. it is VERY difficult to find someone. I want to be in one of those relationship where the two just really enjoy being with the other. You know, a best friends type of thing. I know a few couples who are that way. But for me, . . . wow, is it difficult for me to find someone who I am [at least somewhat] attracted to, and who feels the same way about me. It may be one of MY life's most difficult challenges.

I'm thinking...... I'm thinking.......

Yeah, if you're really really lucky, you get to marry your best friend. And yes, it's hard to find 'the one' - it only took me about 9 years and I had the entire Delaware Valley and the Niagara Frontier to look through.....

Don't laugh at me, but I actually know a couple of folks who found their beloved online in a chat room.

I know one couple, . . . a co-worker, . . . who met online, and have just gotten married. It does happen, . . but the commercials make it seem like it is a cake walk (no pun intended). I'm on one of the most popular ones out there, . . . and have had a few communications, but of those who are in communication with me, they haven't gotten back to me in a WEEK! Not a good sign.

The only one that I thought would work out has also limited her communication with me. I honestly don't get it. I know I'm not the "typical looking guy", . . . but I know how to treat women, and I have many good qualities. Somehow, though, . . . it doesn't seem to be enough.

Looks should not matter, I know they do, but they shouldn't. It should be how one behaves, what one is like.

It really is hard to find someone pleasant and clean (as in washes regularly).
And it should be marrying a best friend, because that means you can talk and do stuff together, a well rounded relationship.
I am convinced Maine is empty. I am sure it isn't, but those who are charming and considerate have probably been burned and not trying anymore.

Online dating services require pictures, and if you are attractive but the camera does not like you, you are out of luck. And getting to know people that way is so hard.

I have a HARD time finding a picture that is acceptable for me to put on the sites. And you're right. It is mostly about looks anymore. As I said, it makes no difference how good of a person I am, how well I would treat someone, that I am talented, CLEAN, etc. . . . .none of it matters because the superfiscial crap is king out there. It's all about looks and money. Even in my religion (of which I'm no longer sure I'm even in it anymore), they are equally if not MORE superfiscial.

One of the main dating sites I've been on for this past month, that I paid a month service for, has yielded nothing and will expire at the end of this week. I will let it expire too. They don't send me any matches that I would want to be matched with, . . . and the ones that I would. . . don't return messages. It's been a week since the last message. I just HATE the dating game!!!!

But I long for someone that I have a hard time being "ultimately happy". Nothing I do, . . no hobby, spending time with family, whatever, . . nothing brings me joy because of my future outlook of loneliness. And it even goes further than JUST finding a good woman. I'm rejected all the time there. But it also reminds me of my seemingly "rejection" by own religious persuasion. I try to talk to them about this sort of thing, and all they come back with is, "How is your relationship with God?" I don't even know what a "relationship with God" even looks like, . . . so how does such a statement help me? I'm just not a person who sees an ACTUAL relationship JUST by "reading a book, and praying/meditating". It all involves MY OWN ability to "believe it is true". For me, there is no return on my attempts. Thus, I feel rejected in THAT relationship endeavor, too. I'm sorry, but I can't manufacture something that I can't honestly see as really being there.

Anyway, I wish things were different. I don't know why I (how good of a person I am) am overlooked so much.

"Get a poodle!"



*Grin attempt*

In reality though, and being serious, having a pet is a lifesaver for the single folk. Without the cats I don't think I could have made it through my separation and life transitions. They can drive one nuts of course but the companionship is worth it. My cat is currently rolling around on his back on the keyboard inhibiting my ability to type, because he's very clingy and doesn't like me using the computer. They're good to cuddle with and love you unconditionally, unlike humans who consistently bail.

I dunno, now that I've had cats I may never date again.

That has been suggested to me. But for me, it isn't an answer. A cat won't share an experience with me, and talk about (for example) "how amazing the white sand and clear water was today". As you can see, I'm a hopeless romantic.

I do understand Deavon. AS wonderful as a cat is and mine are my children. They can not go on a Merry go round or ride the Ferris Wheel, go on long hikes with you, or share ice cream, well they try that one, but you know what I mean.

And IMO It has nothing to do with any ones relationship with god. I have never heard of the bible god getting someone a date.

But you need to be more positive about yourself. Now no one can know everything about someone from a forum, but you do seem to me a really nice person.

The only thing I can think of at present is possibly joining a group that has people with similar interests. Animals, gardening, photography, whatever it is that sparks your interest.

At least in that kind of atmosphere you are going to meet people with a similar mind set at least in one subject.
Not religion or politics though, that leads to odd people sometimes.
A group less confrontational is what I think about.
Something that you would genuinely enjoy, whether it lead to something or not. People are attracted to people that have a passion.

Perhaps a photography group "amateur" not so snobby, to take beautiful pictures of that White sand and incredible Sunset.
That way you may find a sweet lady who is in the same boat and has just dropped her roll of film. (((Deavon))))

I think a photography group would be a wonderful thing. . . . . . .. the only thing is, I have no idea how I would even find such a group, to be completely honest. I'm not sure where to look.

You're right that people like to be around possitive and passionate people and I try to be when I'm out of cyber world. For this thread, though, I am bearing it all to those who care to read it. I guess it is like an open journal of my feelings. . . . but a journal that actually responds back.

You just be yourself here with us, you are part of the family Deavon. No need to pretend anything.

Are there Adult education classes in your area? For fun stuff like
photography, they could be great to join, inexpensive and have ideas
what groups you could join!!

Try the local papers for any groups in your area, if all else fails I would put a small line advert in the paper my self, looking for a photography group in your area, within a certain amount of miles from you.

Try the yellow pages as well, in book and on line, might help. Oh and call the local colleges they might have an idea, and with student of all ages now going to school you might find just the right age group as well.

I'll see if there is anything like that in my city. Thanks for the advice.

Anyone have a "love spell" to help me out?

DeavonReye wrote:I'll see if there is anything like that in my city. Thanks for the advice.

Anyone have a "love spell" to help me out?

Do you really want one? Really?

believe me Deavon a love spell could be worse.
My town is only 2000 (spread out over many miles) people, but we do have a multitude of adult ed classes, fun stuff like photography and crafts , all kinds of things, they are run through the local high school.
In fact the local HIgh school might also be a good place to contact to find out if adult classes exist. or the neighbouring town if your does not have them

Just don't show up to the group and announce "I'm looking for a date" or it'll creep people out. Be friendly with everyone and if someone catches your interest and still does after a few meetings, casually attempt to move to discussing your hobby in a more private setting.

MaineCaptain wrote:believe me Deavon a love spell could be worse.
My town is only 2000 (spread out over many miles) people, but we do have a multitude of adult ed classes, fun stuff like photography and crafts , all kinds of things, they are run through the local high school.
In fact the local HIgh school might also be a good place to contact to find out if adult classes exist. or the neighbouring town if your does not have them

Much worse.

Someone told me that I should carry around a rosequartz and an rhotochrosite to help with "bringing love to you".

But yeah, probably best to leave the spells alone. By the way, . . . . how could it be worse? Just curious.

I do not mean this to sound cliche but really I mean this.

First you have to be happy with you. Be confident in who and what you are. My girl tells me all the time that this is what attracted her to me. She is a very pretty girl. She often tells people how she pursued me because I have a swagger (whatever that means). Girls love confident men and hate needy self loathing basket cases.

Dont be afraid to be a bit of a bad boy. I am not suggesting slapping a girl around . . just carry an aura of confidence and a little machismo.

Be blissful in your life. Even alone in a crappy job, be blissful and happy with where you are right now. People will flock to you and want to be around you.

For the Photog groups check your local parks department. Mine has a photography group and its alot of fun.

(To no one in particular.) The dating scene is all about superficial vanity, it's true. And I confess to being a part of that, as I'm only interested in the pretty ones. Shame, I know, but we already went through that on another thread. The difference with me though is that I also like a person with caliber and smarts and humor and who like me is introvert minded-- and that is REALLY hard to find in one of the 'pretty' ones. A guy told me yesterday he used to be an introvert, "But, as a guy who likes to sleep with beautiful women, I had to adapt." So he learned to dance and club and bring home a good-lookin' lady or two at the end of the evening.

I guess that's life. If/when I feel lonely I crank up "Love Stinks" by J. Giles band. I think Vorrin probably gave some excellent tips, by the sound of it.

I've talked about long hair not being popular amongst the younger women today (However I have to beat 40 and 50-year old women off with a stick. I love it when they say "I just...want to touch your hair. Can I just touch you?") So here's a little superficial rant... I'm very protective of my hair. I was in a really really bad mood two days ago, I was feeling lonely and was mad at a few customers yada yada, when a couple came to check in. They were probably in their mid-30s. He said "Hey, until last week I had hair as long as yours!" to which she triumphantly said "Yeah, until I made you cut it. See, it takes a girlfriend like me." I don't know, I'm bothered by people who feel they need to change another person. Why did she bother going out with him to begin with, disliking how he looked with the background intent of making him change his appearance? For the record, this gal was NOTHING to look at. I about gaffawed at her 'gilfriend like me' statement, the bad mood I was in made me want to say "like what?" I mean I understand the not-liking part; for instance, I'm not attracted to a girl with short hair. But then I wouldn't date one and tell her I expected her to grow it out long because that's what I liked.

Women (and men too I suspect) are also looking for people who are financially secure and don't come with a ton of baggage, don't bring up the ex in the first minute or two and badmouth him/her or declare that their children will always come first so. People are supposed to care about their children but no date wants to hear that no matter what she will always come dead last.

If I may put in a plug for the single life, it can be really great. Cultivate a wide circle of friends, both male and female - you never know who has a sister or cousin or friend and will introduce you if they think you are a good guy. Group dates are the best!

Go to things like museum programs, volunteer, take a class. Showing that you have curiosity and a willingness to learn new things is sexy. Take some cooking classes. Local chefs sometimes hold demonstrations or organic grocery stores do. Go to Tai Chi, join a gym and take some classes. Live a full and interesting life, one that someone else would envy and want to join.

So, Gilly, I shouldn't open the conversation with "Hi! You look a lot like my ex, who was a real let me tell you, who gave me 16 kids that all still live at home and drive me nuts! Maybe you can sneak over sometime after they're all in bed. Hey, do you have a few bucks I can borrow to cover this?"