I grow weary of the married life......

Well, not really. I just don't think that it is all that single people have it cracked up to be. Married or single, you are the one responsible for your own state of mind. Being happy married and being happy single are the same state of mind. It's only after you have a lot of experience at both that you start to recognize that.

I just wanted to balance the board. Got ya'll going, didn't I?

Yes, you had me going. I was about to yell on your wife's behalf.

Oh, she yells enough on her own.

It's true though. I've been equally miserable in and out of relationships...and happy in and out. It's not the other person who makes or breaks you, and you can't stake your happiness on being with someone else or on being single.

I appreciate the thread. I'm single and I'm very, very happy. I've been married and happy too. Sometimes I think that I'm just a happy person.

There are a lot of good things about being a single. There's a lot to be said for learning to live in the moment and enjoy it.

I didn't realize you were single, Gilly. You strike me as an 'attached'. I guess that's because you come off so satisfied.

I am! I think it is because I have "done for" people my whole life and finally I can "do" for me, and it is a blast! I live where I want, decorate it the way I like, watch the tv shows I want to watch, eat what and when I like, and go out when I want with the people I chose to and spend my money the way I want, too.

You know the old Appalachian mountains joke, don't you? The happiest people in the mountains are widows.

TigersEyeDowsing wrote:I didn't realize you were single, Gilly. You strike me as an 'attached'. I guess that's because you come off so satisfied.

I think Gilly has been there, done that, and wrote the Husband owner's manual when it comes to marriage.

There's a Husband's Owner's Manual???? Why didn't I get a copy on my wedding day??? You've been holding out on me!

I am one of the fortunate ones that is happily married....for 19 years now!

gillyflower wrote:I am! I think it is because I have "done for" people my whole life and finally I can "do" for me, and it is a blast! I live where I want, decorate it the way I like, watch the tv shows I want to watch, eat what and when I like, and go out when I want with the people I chose to and spend my money the way I want, too.

You know the old Appalachian mountains joke, don't you? The happiest people in the mountains are widows.

It is kinda nice isn't it? I'm torn back and forth on it myself, but lately I find I'm liking it better for the reasons you've mentioned. It's only been a year and a half for me so I still am constantly 'living for' the ex- 'Oh, I better not eat this, she'll kill me...oh wait.' Little by little it's dawning on me I don't live under the ever-watchful eye and don't have to constantly 'impress' someone who's not there anymore.

It's so much easier and almost fun having insomnia when you're single, too. You can get up, turn on as many lights as you wish, put on a CD or tv as loud as you like, play with the cats and their jingle ball toy that makes that annoying noise, crash around in the kitchen fixing a snack...

And if the "maid" doesn't do her work well or at all, no one will be complaining to you about it. You live with it until you can't stand it anymore and then do something about it.

This happened yesterday, I tell ya, if I had any hair left, I'd pull it out!

M: So I have some ETO (earned time off) that I need to burn by the end of July, I was thinking either the week of the 19, or the week of the 26th. If you want, you can take the same day off.

A: Ok, that would be great! Let me check my schedule.

M: Ok

A: Well, I'm taking off for continuing ed the second week of Aug, I don't think it would be a good idea to take time off too close to that, how about the week of the 19th.

M: (as if I hadn't said anything at all) How about the last week of July.

A: Well, I don't really think it is a good idea to take time off that close to continuing ed....

M: The last week would really work better for me.

A: (Sigh) Ok, the last week it is. What day do you want, I know Wednesday is the day you usually have off, so not that day.

M: Yeah, I was thinking Thursday.

A: Ok, how about I go in in the morning and take the afternoon off.

M: Great this is going to be fun. What do you want to do

A: Well, after I get back from work in the morning, we can go in and get a late lunch and maybe catch a movie if there is anything that we want to see?

M: Great, we can see that "public enemies"..... Wait a second, you are going in to work in the morning?

A: Yes.

M: Why?

A: Because 2 weeks later I have to close the office for 4 days so that I can go to continuing ed.

M: I was thinking we could have the whole day?

A: Well, if we did it the week before, we could have the whole day, if we do it on the 30th, we can only have the afternoon.

M: Oh.

A: Aren't you always telling me I shouldn't close the office that often?

M: Yes

A: Well if you think it's ok to do that, I'll go ahead and close the office for the whole day

M: Let's talk about it tonight.



And of course, she falls asleep on the couch at 8:30, and we never do talk about it.

all

Okay. That conversation officially confused me.

gillyflower wrote:I am! I think it is because I have "done for" people my whole life and finally I can "do" for me, and it is a blast! I live where I want, decorate it the way I like, watch the tv shows I want to watch, eat what and when I like, and go out when I want with the people I chose to and spend my money the way I want, too.

I don't live where I want, though that has nothing to do with being married. I decorate my space the way I want, watch the shows I want to watch, eat what I like when I want, go out when I want with the people I choose to, and spend my money the way I want.

I have to wonder why that isn't the case for everybody. What in hell does relationship status have to do with it?

SeventhCrow wrote:

gillyflower wrote:I am! I think it is because I have "done for" people my whole life and finally I can "do" for me, and it is a blast! I live where I want, decorate it the way I like, watch the tv shows I want to watch, eat what and when I like, and go out when I want with the people I chose to and spend my money the way I want, too.

I don't live where I want, though that has nothing to do with being married. I decorate my space the way I want, watch the shows I want to watch, eat what I like when I want, go out when I want with the people I choose to, and spend my money the way I want.

I have to wonder why that isn't the case for everybody. What in hell does relationship status have to do with it?

Some relationships are way unbalanced. That's why we who don't have that problem need to appreciate what we have.

sacrificialgoddess wrote:Okay. That conversation officially confused me.

'

She has this habit of asking me what I want to do, and then saying no and that she wants to do something else. I honestly wouldn't mind if she would just tell me what she wanted to do in the first place. It's not like I am picky or anything.

Another example would be if she were to ask me what I wanted for dinner, and I would say, Hamburgers. To which she would respond that she doesn't want hamburgers, she would rather have pizza. It's not like I am against the idea of having pizza, but why not just say that she wants pizza? Why even ask what I want if she already has something picked out?

all

allthegoodnamesweretaken wrote:

sacrificialgoddess wrote:Okay. That conversation officially confused me.

'

She has this habit of asking me what I want to do, and then saying no and that she wants to do something else. I honestly wouldn't mind if she would just tell me what she wanted to do in the first place. It's not like I am picky or anything.

Another example would be if she were to ask me what I wanted for dinner, and I would say, Hamburgers. To which she would respond that she doesn't want hamburgers, she would rather have pizza. It's not like I am against the idea of having pizza, but why not just say that she wants pizza? Why even ask what I want if she already has something picked out?

all

*whispers*

All, I think we have a problem here. I think you are married to my husband!!!

Oh thats funny, I am sorry but that is so funny.

sacrificialgoddess wrote:

allthegoodnamesweretaken wrote:

sacrificialgoddess wrote:Okay. That conversation officially confused me.

'

She has this habit of asking me what I want to do, and then saying no and that she wants to do something else. I honestly wouldn't mind if she would just tell me what she wanted to do in the first place. It's not like I am picky or anything.

Another example would be if she were to ask me what I wanted for dinner, and I would say, Hamburgers. To which she would respond that she doesn't want hamburgers, she would rather have pizza. It's not like I am against the idea of having pizza, but why not just say that she wants pizza? Why even ask what I want if she already has something picked out?

all

*whispers*

All, I think we have a problem here. I think you are married to my husband!!!

SeventhCrow wrote:

gillyflower wrote:I am! I think it is because I have "done for" people my whole life and finally I can "do" for me, and it is a blast! I live where I want, decorate it the way I like, watch the tv shows I want to watch, eat what and when I like, and go out when I want with the people I chose to and spend my money the way I want, too.

I don't live where I want, though that has nothing to do with being married. I decorate my space the way I want, watch the shows I want to watch, eat what I like when I want, go out when I want with the people I choose to, and spend my money the way I want.

I have to wonder why that isn't the case for everybody. What in hell does relationship status have to do with it?

"I decorate my space the way I want" - okay so do you share rooms? Does you wife decorate the same space the way she wants too? Does that clash? Do you compromise on some things?

"I watch the shows I want to watch" Does your wife also watch the shows she wants to watch at the same time? Do you do it in different rooms? Do your children also watch the shows they want to watch at the same time?

"I eat what I like when I like" So if the family is having one meal do you cook yourself another? Do you just leave the room and eat in your car if you feel like it or go out to eat without them?

"I go out when I want with the people I choose to" Does that mean that if you don't want to go out, your wife goes out anyway to do what she wants?

"I spend my money the way I want" So if you want a sports car you just buy it, even when your wife thinks that it's out of the budget?



What I'm saying is that married life is a series of compromises, both little and large. Some people compromise more than others, some people in a marriage get their way more than others. When you are single, you make a lot fewer compromises.

gillyflower wrote:
"I decorate my space the way I want" - okay so do you share rooms? Does you wife decorate the same space the way she wants too? Does that clash? Do you compromise on some things?

We have separate bedrooms. The rest of the space gets divvied up by interest.

"I watch the shows I want to watch" Does your wife also watch the shows she wants to watch at the same time? Do you do it in different rooms? Do your children also watch the shows they want to watch at the same time?

Yes, she watches what she wants. She has a TV in her room and watches shows there when there's a scheduling conflict with a show I want to watch (as my TV's in the living room). There are few shows that I try to watch regularly, so there's not much competition for viewing.

"I eat what I like when I like" So if the family is having one meal do you cook yourself another? Do you just leave the room and eat in your car if you feel like it or go out to eat without them?

I do most of the cooking and I fix meals that I like. If they want something in particular, they ask and I fix that, too. If they want something beyond what I've fixed, they're free to go fix it themselves--taking responsibility for themselves and all that. And everybody is free to go out to eat by themselves should they choose to do so--nobody is obligated to stay at home to eat or to eat only what's fixed.

This isn't a Borg collective, it's a family. We are together because we choose to be (my son is 19 and chose to stay at home) and we're free to make our own choices every step of the way. There are things that have to be decided among us, yes; that doesn't interfere with much at all, though.

"I go out when I want with the people I choose to" Does that mean that if you don't want to go out, your wife goes out anyway to do what she wants?

Yes. She's a big girl and can decide her own schedule. She regularly goes out with friends without me--and I encourage her to do so. I share her life and have no claim (nor interest) in running it (and vice versa).

"I spend my money the way I want" So if you want a sports car you just buy it, even when your wife thinks that it's out of the budget?

My wife can't speak to my personal budget, nor I to hers. What's hers is hers, what's mine is mine, and what's ours is ours. As long as she covers her portion of the bills, she's free to spend her money as she sees fit. She's entirely capable of being responsible for herself. The same also applies to me. _We_ cover _our_ needs and then each is free to use personal funds as desired. So, if I figure I--not we--can swing payments on a car, I can get it; I can't obligate her to help pay for a car I buy. If one of us thinks there's something that _we_ would benefit from, then we ask the other about it and figure out if we can pull it off.

We are both fully capable of taking responsibility for ourselves. We schedule our time as we see fit, asking each other along to things that might prove interesting for both of us. As we have much in common, we do lots of things together--there just isn't an obligation to do so. (And I have to say that I'm much better at picking movies that both of us will enjoy--her choices have bombed most of the time.)

I have to ask--if getting married would keep you from living your life as you see fit, why in hell would you ever get married? Do most people actually get involved in marriages where they can't live life as they see fit? I find that sad.

Sounds like you've got a great room mate there!

I don't see getting married as something that would keep me from living my life as I see fit, I see it as part of living my life as I see fit.

all

I have a 45-year old roomate. We refer to each other as 'stephusband' and 'stepwife' since she's sortof adopted the kid (my cat). We get along great and it's all the benefits of friendship (movie nights, sharing, talking, helping out when needed) with none of the drama of love or sex or fighting.

TigersEyeDowsing wrote:I have a 45-year old roomate. We refer to each other as 'stephusband' and 'stepwife' since she's sortof adopted the kid (my cat). We get along great and it's all the benefits of friendship (movie nights, sharing, talking, helping out when needed) with none of the drama of love or sex or fighting.

Oh, come now. "Friends with benefits" can be fun, too. Especially when sex is one of the benefits.

Sounds like a marriage to me! Well, except for the not fighting part!



I kid, because I love.

all