Two Bears and a wake up call.

Hail,
This is really something I should be dsicussing with my kindred,
but the website is down so if you can bear with me a second for some
background, I had a bit of a wake up call this morning and admit to
needing a bit of advice. Since my spinal injury and surgery, employers
have been a tad reluctant to take a chance on someone who may get
injured on their dime, so I find myself doing delivery on graveyards,
because we are "independent contractors" and thus not a risk to their
pocket book if we get hurt. I had strapped on my knife because there
was lots of sign of bear activity, but I hadn't seen any yet that
morning when I got out to make a delivery. Once at the door, I heard
something move through the cedars, turned to find two bears, brown maybe
800lb for the lead, 500-600lb for the trailer, cutting me off from exiting.
I drew and snarled in response to their grunts. The big one in
front just shifted his weight from side to side and stayed still, while
the one in back kept grunting and taking little steps. I called for and
received the rage, and everything went ice cold. I knew the trailer
would be the one to move first, and shifted to make sure I could take
(her, I think) with a throat shot when she opened the ball. So far so
good. She snorted a few times and then gave up when I wouldn't move.
When she turned to disengage, frack me with a sledge hammer if I didn't
move to take my shot! Only the covering lunge of the big fella caused
me to abort. WTF? Since when do I frigging ATTACK two bears with only
a knife? OK I get the whole "not going down alone" bit and fully
endorse it, but when they backed off, I saw I could get my killshot in
and had covered about four feet before I could think, she could react,
and only the big guys flanking lunge stopped me from turning an almost
deadly encounter back into a probably not walking away from it scenario.
The adrenaline is still singing in me, the ice rage has me, and
Odin is laughing his ass off at me. The reason is, it was not his rage
that tried to initiate that attack but mine. What in the nine worlds is
going on when the Battleglad is the sane one in my frigging head? I was
prepared to go down, as long as I took one with me. I lied. I called
upon the Battleglad and he showed me the truth; some part of me hungered
to go down taking at least one of them with me, although going for
both. Not planning on leaving my wife to raise the kids alone, so what
the heck do I do about the fact somehow I have subconsciously decided
that its a good idea to go down swinging, assuming I happen into
something capable enough of doing the job?
Old one eye was laughing his As ass off in my head at my
foolishness, and that is usually an indication he has already given me
everything I need and its no skin off his nose if I'm too stupid to see
it. I don't do civvy shrinks since they don't understand people who
have "been there and done that", and we really don't have access to the
military ones unless on active duty, which I really don't want to go on
if I think I might have an urge to go all "blaze of glory". I have had
better luck doing work either runic, poetic, or ordeal with this stuff.
I could use some advice on how to tackle this.

First, let me say that quite possibly, your response of aggression instead of fear and panic might possibly be what saved your life. Understanding that since I live in Nebraska, most of my knowledge of bears is academic, but the advice the "experts" give involves assuming a posture of a non threatening nature. That may work out in the woods if a person just happens across a bear, but these were bears that sound like they were looking for prey. Giving them incentive to look for a softer target might have been the way to go.

Not planning on leaving my wife to raise the kids alone, so what
the heck do I do about the fact somehow I have subconsciously decided
that its a good idea to go down swinging, assuming I happen into
something capable enough of doing the job?

Since the individual traits that make you decide to "go down swinging, provided that you have something capable enough of doing the job" are the same traits that make you, you, I'm not sure that you can do something about them. The same traits that make a person willing to stand up to too bears armed only with a knife, are the ones that make a person interrupt a mugging, assault, or attempted rape. They're the same traits that make a person who finds a wallet lying on the ground look for the owner, instead of taking the cash. They're the same traits that make a person stop to offer assistance to the person with a flat tire, or steam rolling out of their hood, instead of driving by.

In short John, they are what make you, you. You can't change them without changing you, and if you did, I'm not sure that you would like the person that you changed into.

Possibly, the laughter of the Battleglad was not one of humor, but approval.

I can't offer advice on how to become more timid, I'm not sure it would have helped in this case anyway. I will offer advice of carrying something a bit more formidable than a knife. Especially if you have are dealing with bears.

all

I know the site is down now, when it was up, I couldn't get in though. It wouldn't send me my password, and it has been long enough that I forgot it....