For All The Solitaries

One thing I've struggled with for years is failing to be a part of a spiritual community. I just never seem to fit in; the closest I've experienced is playing flute for various liturgical churches. You need Bach Vespers? Service of Darkness coming up? I'm there (and I totally love it.)

But it confess that it gets lonely... not just for me, but for my kids. Other families easily click into group activities (family camps et al) but we've not gotten into the groove anywhere. Thinking patience would serve us well, we've been attending a certain church on a regular business; however we've made no inroads and worse... the music director flat out refuses to let me play flute... refuses to even hear me play. Sort of amplifies the lonely factor. (Odd not being allowed to do my one main 'thing' at a place I'm actually a member of.)

For all those who either choose to practice their faith/path alone or who -- like me -- just don't fit into groups that well: do you struggle with this? Or are you able to work it into your practice? Maybe even celebrate it?

Peace!

I find being spiritually unaffiliated difficult at times. It worries me that we've not made any friends here yet, and thus, I'd have no one to call upon for help in a crisis. My nearest relative is my sister who lives a 5-hour drive away. I'm sure she'd come if needed, but we're not close, and I generally find being around her more of a strain than a comfort. Hubby's relatives are all on the east coast, 2000 miles from us.

We simply don't fit into the church context really. As a Pagan, hubby doesn't find churchgoing relevant.

I tried to re-establish connections with Unitarian Universalism but found myself doing during services what I so often did as a child stuck in church...looking longingly out a window and thinking how much closer I feel to WhateverItIs when I'm outdoors rather than bored to death for an hour inside a church.

Despite claiming to do so, UU's in actuality frequently aren't nearly as tolerant of dissent and diversity of belief as they wish to think they are. The pressures to conform are more subtle than in the churches with definite creeds and "must-believes" but exist nonetheless.

Perhaps a Spiritualist or New Thought church would work better for me, but the closest of either is almost 30 miles from our home. That's too far to drive and attend regularly. If I'm going to commit to a church, I prefer to be more involved with it than that.

The bottom line is that I don't have beliefs that fit within the framework of any church that I know of. That presents difficulties as well. I spent too much of my life attending church thinking that most of what was professed was wishful thinking at best. Hypocrisy doesn't sit well with me. I can't do as a relative advised once, "Pick a church where you like most of the people who go there. Ministers come and go. You can believe or not as you choose, but the relationships you have are what will sustain you in the long run."

It's a difficulty...

DotNotInOz wrote:I find being spiritually unaffiliated difficult at times. It worries me that we've not made any friends here yet, and thus, I'd have no one to call upon for help in a crisis. My nearest relative is my sister who lives a 5-hour drive away. I'm sure she'd come if needed, but we're not close, and I generally find being around her more of a strain than a comfort. Hubby's relatives are all on the east coast, 2000 miles from us.

Dot, you really have my empathy on this one... it is very, very hard to move and make connections these days. I agree and relate with everything you wrote. Sometimes I look at all these *new building projects* we have going on around my town.. and i wonder why different groups cannot join together to use the same space; funnel more resources into it and make it lovely. It would make good financial sense and perhaps a new type of community could develop. Then again, I have been known to walk around with my head in the clouds before.....

Perhaps a Spiritualist or New Thought church would work better for me, but the closest of either is almost 30 miles from our home. That's too far to drive and attend regularly. If I'm going to commit to a church, I prefer to be more involved with it than that.

you are right.... aside from a weekly meeting, it would be a real pain to become any more involved.

The bottom line is that I don't have beliefs that fit within the framework of any church that I know of. That presents difficulties as well. I spent too much of my life attending church thinking that most of what was professed was wishful thinking at best. Hypocrisy doesn't sit well with me. I can't do as a relative advised once, "Pick a church where you like most of the people who go there. Ministers come and go. You can believe or not as you choose, but the relationships you have are what will sustain you in the long run."

It's a difficulty...

A friend of mine attends a local Indi/Baptist church. I visited for a while thinking I was centralish enough to make it work; however, one of the Pastors was everything I detest. Yelling from the stage (over money issues) claiming that Satan was attacking the church (over money issues) .... I was so bothered by him that I came home and googled him and discovered that he's currently being sued.... by his previous church.... over money issues.

I love my friend.... but....

You are right DOT, it is a difficulty. At least it's a difficulty that's a bit easier to bear knowing that I'm not as alone in my struggles as I thought.

You definitely aren't alone! I, too, haven't found a group to belong to. The Pagan group had a huge melt-down after I arrived here. It was so public and embarrassing that I distanced myself, then when I finally found another group I thought I might like, it had a painful split with many public postings like a very bad marriage break up and the remnant that was left after kicking everyone out went private, no new members or connections wanted. Not that I was exactly knocking on their door after that.

I tried the UU and it wasn't bad but I have to work a lot of weekends and I realized that I don't want to give my Sunday mornings to it.

I'm lucky enough to have a cousin who lives here and we back each other up and do things together. Thank goodness she moved here too! Y'all are couples and families: it is twice as hard for single people to find friends to do things with when you didn't grow up here. I joined a Writer's Group and this has been a wonderful thing. The members are all ages and we meet on Sunday mornings.

gillyflower wrote:Y'all are couples and families: it is twice as hard for single people to find friends to do things with when you didn't grow up here. I joined a Writer's Group and this has been a wonderful thing. The members are all ages and we meet on Sunday mornings.

It really is a significant difficulty for singles who don't fit into any local church in my part of the country, the central U.S.

I found it amusing over on B-net when I explained once that "What church do you go to?" is a common getting-acquainted question in rural areas and was told by someone that that was extremely rude, and the answer ought to be, "None of your business."

Well, yes, I suppose it is intrusive, but people in large cities in the Northeast as this man was simply don't comprehend the extent to which churches shape people's lives in small towns. If you aren't a churchgoer, you're cutting yourself out of most social networking outside of whatever job you have.

I certainly understand the "didn't grow up here" phenomenon, too. Where I used to live in Southwest Kansas, if your great-grandparents hadn't homesteaded the family farm, you were unlikely ever to be considered trustworthy unless you were related somehow to a native who could vouch for you.

Both factors constitute notable difficulties for lifelong singles or the recently divorced no matter how well known you may be otherwise.

Oh, yes. I still get the "What church do you go to?" question. It is pretty common down here.

One day Ananda, who had been thinking deeply about things for a while, turned to the Buddha and exclaimed:
"Lord, I've been thinking- spiritual friendship is at least half of the spiritual life!"
The Buddha replied: "Say not so, Ananda, say not so. Spiritual friendship is the whole of the spiritual life!"
Samyutta Nikaya, Verse 2
______________________________

Spiritual friendship is something I think we inherently desire, like love. Without it, we feel a chunk missing. I've been feeling that way for a while now since I left my church. I miss it a lot. When I went on vacation I had the opportunity to visit a Divine Science church (we only have about 10) and it was the best weekend I'd had in years. That was a huge deciding factor in my move when I was trying to move to Virginia this year. My move didn't work out and I feel very disappointed because I don't get to attend the church. Maybe someday.

Of course, as Gilly mentioned there are other groups that can fill the void of a specifically religious group- nonprofits are good for that. It's a real hole in my life and I'd give anything for a portal to get me to the church in Virginia once a week. I seemed to fit in there very nicely!

sacrificialgoddess wrote:Oh, yes. I still get the "What church do you go to?" question. It is pretty common down here.

My customers tend to invite me to their Baptist church of choice. I'm friendly with most of them; monday I mentioned I was a Divine Scientist and she quipped 'You'd better give that up!'

I think next time I'll say "Sure, can I bring my boyfriend?"

TigersEyeDowsing wrote:One day Ananda, who had been thinking deeply about things for a while, turned to the Buddha and exclaimed:
"Lord, I've been thinking- spiritual friendship is at least half of the spiritual life!"
The Buddha replied: "Say not so, Ananda, say not so. Spiritual friendship is the whole of the spiritual life!"
Samyutta Nikaya, Verse 2
______________________________

Spiritual friendship is something I think we inherently desire, like love. Without it, we feel a chunk missing. I've been feeling that way for a while now since I left my church. I miss it a lot. When I went on vacation I had the opportunity to visit a Divine Science church (we only have about 10) and it was the best weekend I'd had in years. That was a huge deciding factor in my move when I was trying to move to Virginia this year. My move didn't work out and I feel very disappointed because I don't get to attend the church. Maybe someday.

Of course, as Gilly mentioned there are other groups that can fill the void of a specifically religious group- nonprofits are good for that. It's a real hole in my life and I'd give anything for a portal to get me to the church in Virginia once a week. I seemed to fit in there very nicely!

I guess the old saying is true, ya can't miss a place you've never been.

I've never really been a part of anything. Even when I was little, and my family would drag me along with them, I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.

I'm solitary in most things. I can really see myself becoming a hermit if it wasn't for my wife.

all

I'm glad that you have your wife then. Social interaction is part of a well-rounded life IMO. The more a person withdraws from other people, the harder it is to reverse that in my experience.

If it weren't for jobs in public service, I would be a total recluse. My biggest adventure involves going to WalMart.

gillyflower wrote:I'm glad that you have your wife then. Social interaction is part of a well-rounded life IMO. The more a person withdraws from other people, the harder it is to reverse that in my experience.

Who says I would want to reverse it?

On my days off, I tend to go off on my own. I actually don't want to see other people, and am disappointed if I do.

Granted, that might be different if I didn't have a job that requires personal interaction.


all

TigersEyeDowsing wrote:If it weren't for jobs in public service, I would be a total recluse. My biggest adventure involves going to WalMart.

Oh, I hate having to go to WalMart.

I bet both you men just love shopping, if it wasn't Walmart, right?

It does make a big difference if you work with people all day, as I do too, all. Some days I don't want to deal with one more person because I've had to deal with a lot of them. Days when I don't deal with so many, or so many difficult patrons, I feel differently.

gillyflower wrote:I bet both you men just love shopping, if it wasn't Walmart, right?

Uh, yeah that is it. I like to go everywhere but Wally Word!

gillyflower wrote:
It does make a big difference if you work with people all day, as I do too, all. Some days I don't want to deal with one more person because I've had to deal with a lot of them. Days when I don't deal with so many, or so many difficult patrons, I feel differently.

I'd say that on days that I don't deal with so many people, I can deal with more people. Sometimes after listening to everybody talk about how horrible their little aches and pains are I just want to go home and seal off the outside world.

all

I went to Walmart today. Twice. My mother needed stuff. And then she remembered more stuff she needed.

sacrificialgoddess wrote:Oh, yes. I still get the "What church do you go to?" question. It is pretty common down here.

I always considered that merely a means of social pigeonholing. Once you find out what church someone goes to you have a means of determining where they rank within the town's social strata.

Where I used to live, the Southern Baptists were the most prominent although the town's officials were either unchurched or Methodists.

Of course, whether or not you wish to associate with the person on more than an occasional basis is something else people decide from the answer to that question.

Religious affiliation plays an important role in the social network of many small towns.

sacrificialgoddess wrote:I went to Walmart today. Twice. My mother needed stuff. And then she remembered more stuff she needed.

I marveled at the customers of the Waldenbooks where I used to work who would shrink in revulsion when we suggested calling our east store which had what they wanted when we didn't.

"Oh, no, I don't want to drive clear across town" was the reaction. It was only about a dozen miles and with a fair amount of traffic might take all of a half hour since for much of the time I lived in Wichita there was construction tying up Kellogg. Buncha wussies!

They should have lived in far Southwest Kansas as I did for about 20 years. There it was nothing to drive 30 miles to decent shopping...and turn around and go back when you got home and realized you'd forgotten something essential.

If I had money, metaphysical stores would be my weakness. We had a new age book/supply store in Asheville that was, well, not a very good/ethical business but they had lots of fun stuff. It's where I got my first deck of tarot cards and various other things.

There's a rock and minerals store that sells gemstones and other cool things- they also sell dowsing books and pendulums. It's where I usually get my basic pendulums from; Unfortunately they don't carry any special-use pendulums so I have to order those.

Our Unity Church bookstore is also a big weakness for me, or was when I went regularly. Lots of, obviously, New Thought books and supplies and a big draw for me was also that it helped financially support the church. That way I got something and they got a little bit of it too. We have an awesome bookstore, and also resell used donated books too.

In terms of solitude... I often crave it-- but after 2-3 days of no human contact I go batshit insane. I have a very people-hectic life (I check in, check out, greet, ring up, etc. 300-400 people a day). Going from 400 mini-conversations to nothing is too much a system shock, so I have a hard time coping.

I try to shop with ethical businesses, but, you know, Walmart.

Walmart has everything in one convenient place for the lowest price possible.

The fact that it's one of the most unethical businesses in the world is a shame, but that's what makes it possible for people like me without money to have stuff.

If I were loaded, I'd pay my butler to drive from locally-owned store to store buying the same things for more money. I really would!

I am in a bit of a different situation, I have a group (tradition) which I belong to, unfortunately its members are scattered across thousand of miles of geography and I am the only one I know of within at least a thousand mile radius (I may be exagerating, I can not remember if there were any of us in NewYork or Michigan state). There is at least one other Canadian, but they live in Alberta.

So I am forced to rely on electronic correspondence and thus electronic fellowship, which while sustaining is a poor substitute for an actual group. Though having come from a solitare-eclectic background, and as someone who has always been independent, the lack of an immediate group is not so terrible. A friendly, sympathetic or learned ear for the moment is enough. Much of the daily stuff is home/hearth centred anyway, so an actual group ritual would normally only be during one of the calendar feasts anyway. Though, we do have a long distance, synchronized (sounds more precise than it actually is) "solidarity" ritual on the new moon every month, and despite the lack of a physically local group it does make me feel that much closer to my fellow members.

I would certainly support the fostering of a local group, but until that becomes feasible, I abide.

sacrificialgoddess wrote:Oh, yes. I still get the "What church do you go to?" question. It is pretty common down here.

That's a very rude assumption for people to make; where I live it's just not assumed that one attends a religion service, let alone a specifically Christian one. (But once it is learned what a person's religion is/isn't ... just like with regards to one's political leanings... h/she will find themselves pigeonholed):

DotNotInOz wrote:I always considered that merely a means of social pigeonholing. Once you find out what church someone goes to you have a means of determining where they rank within the town's social strata.

Where I used to live, the Southern Baptists were the most prominent although the town's officials were either unchurched or Methodists.

Of course, whether or not you wish to associate with the person on more than an occasional basis is something else people decide from the answer to that question.

Religious affiliation plays an important role in the social network of many small towns.

Very true DOT. Considering this scenario, the last presidential election comes to mind.... (the next presidential election is something I'm beginning to dread.) I hate the idea of pidgeonholing a person according to their faith as a person should have the freedom to change belief systems as they need according to the evolution of their life.

(No wonder I don't fit into groups well)


TED

In terms of solitude... I often crave it-- but after 2-3 days of no
human contact I go batshit insane. I have a very people-hectic life (I
check in, check out, greet, ring up, etc. 300-400 people a day). Going
from 400 mini-conversations to nothing is too much a system shock, so I
have a hard time coping.

I suppose a silent retreat would send you right up the wall

((((TED))))) I've only been on one silent retreat (as part of my ytt) and I lasted just a few hours before I had to crack a joke. In any case, I've gotta say that you must have an extremely high energy level to be involved in so much! Reading your post, I have the image of a plate juggler in mind....

Gorm, I wonder if you represent the future. Private worship is a good way to get around being pigeonholed.

Thanks Sak


Okay, I did a silent retreat once; It was a very interactive retreat but the last day was 24 hours of silence. Well, I did okay at first but my roommate absolutely couldn't stay quiet. He'd just go BLAAAAAH BLAH BLAH BLAH oops ohmagod! *zip* So we failed.

I'm a very...very...very verbal person Which makes me a lot of friends, and enemies, real quick.

On the job (which is 72+ hours a week) I'm constantly jugging 10 live people and 3-4 phone calls. It sounds a lot like "Bathrooms first door on the left, no no your other left oh yes no not you hold please thanks for calling hold please oh biltmore tickets yes they're $60 no it doesn't include the headset tour - Thanks that'll be 79.40 after tax oh no slide your card the other way - Oh don't worry I'll mop that up just leave it there back with you on line 3 yes there's free wifi no sorry no pool please hold again thanks - says your cards declined let's try another okay great oh hold on another phone's ringing" and so on And then we get a solid hour of so of eerie silence sometimes.

I used to have such bad people anxiety talking to a stranger made me freak. Now I do it so much if my world gets too quiet I freak.

I expect you'll find my saying this peculiar, Sakhaiva, but most people in the middle of the U.S. outside major cities don't consider "What church do you go to?" a rude or intrusive question. Maybe SG can weigh in on this with her view of how Oklahomans regard it, but it is simply a getting-acquainted question in very small towns in largely rural areas of Kansas somewhat akin to how "What do you do?" or "Do you have children?" might be elsewhere.

As for my saying that people are pigeonholed by how they answer that question, the process is more benevolent on the whole than I may have seemed to imply. It's not a means of separating the Brahmin from the Untouchables usually (although it can be) but rather simply a means of identification and probably referral to someone who goes to that church. "Oh, you're Catholic? Let me just give my neighbor Susie Reilly a ring and see if we can run over to her house so I can introduce you to her. She's a Catholic, too."

I'd probably have been more accurate to say the answer to that question often enables the questioner to suggest social network entry points for newcomers. It's just being neighborly. Of course, the downside can be that you get an immediate invitation to the questioner's church if your reply places you in the category of "needing to be saved" which is quite annoying.

It's odd how what's regarded as friendliness and being polite in one area of the country is often seen as nosiness and rudeness elsewhere.