Joke Thread

[TigersEyeDowsing]

Do your worst.

[DotNotInOz]

[Well, you DID ask for it, so don't blame me!]

A young couple, middle-aged couple and elderly couple all wanted to join a fundamentalist church, so they met with the pastor to find out what would be required.

The pastor explained that as the church was very strict, they would have to go without sex for a month before they'd be accepted into the church.

The month went by and all were assembled again with the pastor in his study. He turned first to the elderly couple and asked,

"So, how did it go for you folks? Did you abstain from sex for the full month?"

The wife spoke right up, "Oh, sure, pastor. That was EASY!"

"Congratulations," the pastor replied, "and welcome to the church."

He turned next to the middle-aged couple. "How did you folks do?"

The husband replied a bit hesitantly, "Well, it was certainly difficult, and we almost slipped a few times, but we made it through the whole month."

"Excellent!" said the pastor. "Welcome to our church."

The pastor then noticed that the young couple were looking really embarrassed and dismayed, so he turned to the husband and inquired how it went for them.

"Well, pastor," the young husband said, redfaced. "We honestly tried. We really did. But one day, she was wearing short shorts and bent over to pick up a can of pork and beans...and, I admit, I just couldn't help myself."

"I hope you understand," the pastor replied, "But I simply can't let you in the church then."

The young husband quickly responded, "Oh, that's okay, pastor. They won't let us back in the supermarket either."

[Mintie]

Do you know why Jesus would never have played hockey?

































He would have been afraid to get nailed to the board

[HailToTheSquirrel]

Not mine, but I heard this comedian and thought it was a riot.

Being fat has it's advantages over being skinny. Look at Budha. He was too fat to nail to the cross so they said "Just sit there and be quiet."

[HailToTheSquirrel]

And here's one I had posted on uh another place.


A group of ranchers in Montana were losing sheep to wolves and the
state government sent out a hot shot new professor of ecology and
bio-diversity. After studying the wolf population and behavior patterns
the professor addressed the ranchers at a town meeting.

"Gentlemen, what we need to do is catch the male wolves and have them castrated."

Silence.

The wise rancher in the back spoke first.

"Son, I don't think you understand the problem. They ain't #$#$@ our sheep."

[HailToTheSquirrel]

Ok, here's my worst for today.

You know Jesus wasn't really a carpenter. Any carpenter worth his salt would have said to the Romans:

"You really should be using wood screws."

[John T Mainer]

Four friends were going on their annual fishing trip. The only blight on the occasion was that one of the four, Lewis, snored quite loudly, and whoever shared his tent would get no sleep. As they were going for a three day weekend, they determined that each of the men Tom, Steve, and Mario would spend one night in Lewis's tent.

After Tom's night, Lewis looked bright and cheerful, but Tom looked like a racoon. He had heavy bags under his eyes and was a little shaky. When his friends asked if he slept, Tom replied:
"It was horrible. He snored like a chainsaw all night long. I couldn't sleep, and spent the whole night sitting on my sleeping bag watching him."

The next night was Steve's turn, and Steve had a plan. He offered Lewis some "Breathe Right" strips to help him sleep. The next day Steve looked haggard and worn, but Lewis looked even more rested. When they asked how they slept, Lewis flashed a thumbs up and declared it was better than ever. When Steve finally spoke his voice was low, tired, and shaky.
"It was brutal. He would be quiet for a few minutes, and then start to whistle softly. Just when I would start to drift off he would snort and growl like hungry grizzly. I spent the whole night sitting on my sleeping bag watching him."

On the last night it was big Mario's turn, and everyone expected him to be worried, but he seemed more relaxed than Lewis even. When everyone awoke the next day, Mario looked fresh and relaxed, but Lewis was a wreck. Lewis had huge bags under his eyes, was soaked with sweat and clearly jumpy. Both friends were dying of curiosity so they cornered Mario to ask how come he could sleep so well, and what was wrong with Lewis. Mario laughing replied:

"Well, I just waited 'till bedtime and then I tucked Lewis in, gave him a pat on the ass, and a great big kiss goodnight on the forehead. After that he spent the whole night sitting up on his sleeping bag watching ME sleep."

[TigersEyeDowsing]

[MaineCaptain]

These Jeff foxworthy jokes were sent by someone to me.

I am posting them because they are true: (commentary in red by me )
here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England . (MY Dairy Queen stays open )

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in New England . (We New Englanders are very knowledgeable)

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England . (doesn't everybody?)

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England . (How silly )

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England .(Giggle)


If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England . (Well that's just sensible)


If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England .(How about two dead deer at once?)


If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in New England .(Isn't that normal?)


If you can drive 75 m ph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England . (Doesn't everyone do that?)


If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in New England .(Yeah, so, whats your point?)


If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England .


If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England .

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England .


If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England .


If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England .(He left out "MUD Season")

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England .



If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England .(So very true)

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